Ask Dr. Vance: Spermageddon, Sourdough Sham, Summer Bods, and Much More.

Welcome to the first iteration of Ask Dr. Vance! Before we get started, let me clarify two things: (1) I am not a doctor, and (2) yes, this is medical advice.

The great thing about being a fake doctor is that I have no medical license to lose. The only board that might come after me is the U.S. Board of Buttercups—of which I am, conveniently, the president.

This is a column where you (ignorant and easily misled) come to me (knowledgeable and good) with your health-related questions and concerns. First up: health tips for babymaking.

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My wife and I are in our second year of marriage, and we are struggling to conceive. We're seeing a doctor, but we feel like she doesn't understand health and fertility holistically. To be honest, we're new to this healthy living thing. Any tips?

— Hopeful Father

I love your desire to bring new life into the world. And based on your curiosity and commitment to learning, I have no doubt you’re going to make a wonderful father.

Both unfortunately and fortunately for you, you’re not alone in facing fertility challenges.

Over the past fifty years, sperm counts have dropped by 50% globally, a phenomenon some have aptly called Spermageddon. Ovulation in women has also seen a troubling downward trend.

Plenty of people point to different culprits for this shocking decline in fertility.

Some blame microplastics, which makes strong scientific sense given their hormone-mimicking properties. The online right often blames seed oils—again, a very plausible theory. Others point to The Pill.

Me? I believe the infertility crisis stems from a disturbing convergence of many factors: microplastics and other synthetic compounds, seed oils, hormonal birth control, stress, pharmaceutical drugs, autoimmunity, nutrient deficiencies, and sedentary lifestyles.

Speaking frankly, most doctors haven’t connected these dots. I have friends who struggled with infertility due to low sperm motility and saw a parade of specialists—yet not a single doctor asked about diet. (That diet, by the way, included two cans of Mountain Dew per day for the husband. Nutrient deficiency and inflammation are directly linked to poor sperm motility.)

If you feel like your doctor just isn’t on the same wavelength, it’s probably because they aren’t. A shared philosophy of health and healing is foundational to any doctor-patient relationship.

My recommendation: Seek out an integrative or naturopathic practitioner—someone who understands this new era of health conscientiousness. A good practitioner will look at a full range of lifestyle factors, unpack your medical and personal history, and assess critical biomarkers tied to fertility. Most importantly, they’ll have both the skill and the humility to get to the root of the issue.

For your learning, I recommend Taking Charge of Your Fertility and Real Food For Pregnancy.

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Like the rest of the world, I started baking sourdough bread a few years ago. I was excited by the alleged health benefits and, honestly, I just love baking. Win-win, right? But now I’m asking myself: Is sourdough actually healthy?

— Girl Who Refuses to Give Up Bread

First off—if you’re single, do you want to go out?

Okay, seriously, I’m glad you brought this up. Sourdough’s glow-up into a health food icon was... unexpected. I mean, sure—it’s delicious and an excellent vehicle for butter. But healthy? I’m not sold.

Yes, it’s true that the fermentation process breaks down some gluten, making sourdough easier to digest for gluten-sensitive girlies. That’s a legit benefit.

But let’s not ignore the elephant in the mixing bowl: in most sourdough recipes, what’s the main ingredient (besides water and salt)? Lifeless, bleached white flour.

In literally every other health context, refined flour is Public Enemy #1. But mix it with a sourdough starter and suddenly it’s a superfood? Come on. Does the fermentation magically restore all the vitamins, minerals, and phytochemicals that were stripped away during refining? (Spoiler: it doesn’t.)

That said, you don’t have to give up baking—or enjoying bread. I highly recommend digging into Sue Becker’s work on bread. She’s a big advocate for baking with fresh-milled, genuine whole grains, and the health benefits seem substantial.

Once you nail that style of breadmaking, definitely hit me up and I’ll take you out.

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Should I avoid vegetables? Some influencers say they're killing us.

— Easily Influenced

For nearly eighty years, mainstream health and nutrition experts have warned Americans to stay away from butter and red meat, labeling them as dangerous. But in recent years, that narrative has started to fall apart. And as Newton’s Third Law reminds us, for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction.

Now, a growing wave of doctors and nutrition influencers are flipping the script. They argue it’s not butter and steak making us sick—it’s actually vegetables like kale and broccoli.

Doctors Paul Saladino and Anthony Chaffee have built massive followings by challenging the eat your rainbow status quo. And honestly, I think they’ve done a lot of good. Sometimes it takes an extreme voice and the looks of a cologne model to shake people out of decades of food coma.

Saying “broccoli is causing your weight gain” sounds outrageous, but in a world where attention spans last less than a second, you need a headline that hits hard. And “kale is bull****" does exactly that. It makes people stop and rethink everything they thought they knew about health, which is exactly what we need right now.

As for the anti-nutrients in plant foods? Yes, plants do contain natural chemicals that can be harmful in excess—like oxalates, lectins, and phytates—and for some people, especially those with autoimmune conditions or chronic inflammation, taking a break from these compounds can be healing.

That being said, I don’t think vegetables are killing us. And to be fair, I don’t think the carnivore doctors literally believe that either. Their message is more of a “take us seriously, not literally” kind of thing.

Each vegetable contains hundreds of unique phytonutrients that our bodies thrive on. As much as I love animal foods, they simply don’t offer these potent, anti-inflammatory compounds.

So no, veggies aren’t the enemy. Let’s keep a united front against the foods that are killing us. Hate seed oils, not tomatoes. Rally against soda and energy drinks, not cauliflower.

(On a personal note, I made this killer salad tonight. Spinach, celery, beets, pistachios, oranges, mint, and a balsamic dressing.)

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Is Subway healthy?

— Sucker for a Footlong

It seems Subway has abandoned any semblance of ostensible health—or its tagline "eat fresh"—ever since its spokesperson turned out to be a child predator.

Subway has hit rock bottom:

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What do I do if I'm not convicted about my bad diet?

— Apathetic Glutton

Right now, it sounds like your conscience may be seared, and only the Holy Spirit can truly awaken your mind and heart. Ask Him to renew your desire for truth.

Praying for you!

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We get it—seed oils are bad. What are the permissible ones?

— Conscience But Poor

• Butter

• Tallow

• Lard

• Extra virgin olive oil

• Coconut oil

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What is the best fast food?

— Recovering Burgerville Addict

Next question!

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Organic is ideal, yes. But is there produce I can buy nonorganic that wouldn't result in me getting zapped by lightning?

— MAHAbutWinco

Yes! Follow the EWG's Dirty Dozen guidelines.

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How do I get a summer bod?

— Jillian Michaels Wannabe

There's no secret advice here. Cook delicious foods and move some weights.

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Is wanting to be healthy for vanity a bad thing? Like, is wanting to look hot a bad reason to desire health?

— Anorexic Gym Rat

First off: delete social media. Seriously. If you’re constantly comparing yourself to Greek gods and goddesses online, that’s a deeply toxic place to live—mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Now, let’s be real: wanting to look hot is a completely normal human desire. But when that becomes the foundation for your pursuit of health, it rarely leads to lasting, life-giving habits.

Health includes how you look, but it’s so much more than that. It’s the ability to think clearly and reason well. To give your best at work, to your family, and to your community. It’s the strength to fight off chronic illness and live a long, beautiful life. It’s the energy to serve others, to give back, to show up fully.

Build your health on something deeper than aesthetics. Beauty fades, wholeness lasts.

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Is Poppi actually okay for you?

— Sad Soda Boy

“Okay” is the key word here. These drinks aren’t healthy, but they’re 10x better than conventional sodas—most have under 5 grams of sugar compared to Coke’s 40+ grams.

That said, I wouldn’t make any drink besides water or coffee or tea a daily habit. Have a Poppi if you must, but don’t depend on it.

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Thank you for the questions! I hope the answers can help you be more like me. To submit yours, email me at vance@runningonbutter.com