The goal is to make it down to a black cup of coffee. This was a running thought I had as an eight-year-old. At the time, I was drinking a vanilla latte, which, in my family, was quite shameful. Any sort of sweetener in one's coffee, the Voetbergs believed, was a sign of weakness and immaturity—tantamount to training wheels.
For my family, coffee isn't just a snug drink. It's our way of life—and marriage. Whenever one of the siblings had a crush, the biggest red or green flag the person of interest would receive was granted based on their coffee order. Elisha's first prospect drank a caramel frap. With whip. 🚩. She didn't last a week. Liddy's first serious boyfriend? A short double latte. ✅. They're now married, expecting their sixth child.
Coffee's stain on the Voetberg family began in 2005, when my dad bought a small drive-thru coffee stand called Cuppa Joe. At one point or another, all ten kids worked at the shop. With a merciless 4:30am opening time, we'd serve coffee to our small town's loggers, teachers, garbage truck drivers, grandmas, and real-estate agents. Rebuilt and renamed to Fiddlers Coffee in 2013, the place is cozier (and funnier) than ever. Best cup of coffee in Washington state.
With coffee being my family's sacred cow, I was nervous to research its effects on health. I both wanted and didn't want to know whether coffee—the heartbeat of my family culture—would cause our hearts to stop beating prematurely. Is coffee healthy? Here's what I found:
Coffee Contains Mold, Microplastics, and Pesticides
Mold belongs in the dilapidated houses where Tren de Aragua hides out, not in our coffee. Yet, over 90 percent of coffee contains mold and mycotoxins. Habitual exposure to these guys can cause some serious, life-draining health effects. Suppressed immunity and gut dysbiosis. There are a few coffee brands that test for mold and mycotoxins, which I'll list below.
Another downside of coffee is the pesticides. Over 95 percent of the world's coffee is grown conventionally, meaning synthetic pesticides are doused on the majority of coffee plants. From one review on pesticides:
"Pesticides are frequently applied without precision, which leads to a number of adverse effects on human health, including various types of cancer (brain cancer, breast cancer, prostate cancer, bladder cancer, and colon cancer), Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, neurotoxicity, infertility, leukemia and diabetes."
Talk about a résumé! I haven't seen a list of so many bangers since Taylor Swift's 1989. To avoid pesticides, go organic. To listen to 1989, click here.
Finally, microplastics—the thing I fear more than nuclear war or losing Spotify premium. Completely petrified. These hormone-wrecking compounds are everywhere, including coffee cups.
Multiple studies have found that when hot liquid is poured into paper cups (think Starbucks, think Fiddlers Coffee. Sorry, Dad!), thousands of microplastics are released from the cup's plastic lining, thereby making your coffee a pool of microplastics. Bypass microplastics and save your fertility by using a ceramic mug or stainless steel thermos when drinking coffee.
When "coffee" belongs in Candy Land
When I worked at my family's coffee shop, I was desensitized to the amount of sugar we served in a coffee. I went unfazed by the 4 pumps of vanilla and tsunami of caramel drizzle we'd layer in a caramel macchiato. But when I started running on butter, I became woke to what I was perpetuating: a genocide by way of caramel macchiato. Okay, perhaps genocide is an overstatement. But my conscience was bothered.
I didn't like how there were some people who were naive about what all was in their "coffee." Indeed, many were aware of what they were consuming. They wanted a treat, and a sweet treat they received. But some thought coffee is just coffee, mistakenly believing that, surely, their morning brew isn't what's stalling their weight loss.
And it was this population—the earnest ones—for which I felt disconcerting. The Michelles and the Debbies of the world out here in the trenches of life being misled by doctors, deceived by Big Food, and yelled at by Jillian Michaels.
For example, a medium white mocha—a very standard drink order—contains 40 grams of sugar. If ordered every day (again, very standard), that's 32 pounds of pure sugar at the end of the year for Debbie.
Now, I'm happy to report that with the advent of the MAHA movement (Hi, Jillian!), ingredient awareness is skyrocketing. This is changing consumer behavior, and Fiddlers Coffee is pivoting on cue. The shop offers organic coffee and top-notch, organic teas.
Is the quality of the sweetened coffee beverages where I want it to be? Not necessarily. But where there's a will, there's a way, and I've always been one of the stronger-willed children, so I won't stop advocating. In the words of Rachel Platten, this is my fight song.
cc: Joe Voetberg, Rudy Voetberg, Deter Voetberg, Tucker Voetberg
Coffee v. Caffeine
It's essential to draw a distinction between coffee and caffeine. Whereas nature-made caffeine like coffee and tea works in tandem with health, synthesized caffeine works against you.
About 60 percent of the caffeine consumed by Americans is synthesized in Chinese labs, which seems like a national security threat to me. Companies that use the CCP Caffeine™ in their beverages include Pepsi, Coke, Red Bull, and Celsius.
One study found that while coffee reduces inflammatory markers, synthetic caffeine increases inflammation.
Another study found that higher caffeine intake was associated with shorter telomeres, a marker of cellular aging, while increased coffee consumption was linked to longer telomeres. This suggests that compounds beyond caffeine may provide anti-aging effects. “On the surface, it might be assumed that caffeine intake and coffee consumption are essentially the same variable,” the researchers wrote. “They are not.”
Health Benefits of Organic Coffee
To my family's and my delight (relief), coffee boasts numerous beneficial, health-advancing characteristics. And honestly, I don't have the journalistic integrity to report otherwise. If I were to research coffee and find out it was equivalent to smoking, I would self-censor. I would gaslight myself and the Buttercups to high heaven. Fortunately, I don't have to sideline honesty to say that organic coffee is, like, really healthy!
There are too many fascinating coffee-related studies to include. Here are a few of my favorites:
Organic Coffee enhances lean muscle mass (hello, swimsuit season!).
Great for reproduction: "Among men, consumption of caffeinated coffee increased total testosterone and decreased total and free estradiol. Among women, decaffeinated coffee decreased total and free testosterone and caffeinated coffee decreased total testosterone."
Organic coffee improves memory in young adults and is protective against dementia and Alzheimer's.
Organic coffee decreases cancer risk. The anti-cancer compounds in coffee include quercetin, chlorogenic acid, cafestrol and norharman.
Organic coffee is cardioprotective, with the sweet spot being about three cups a day.
Coffee and Pregnancy
It seems that every other text message in the Voetberg family text thread is a pregnancy announcement. Early on, for the first batch of grandkids, the responses of excitement were abundant. "NO WAY! ❤️😭🐣! So happy for you you guys!" But now, with the baby announcements being commonplace, we simply just "like" the text message announcements. Cool. Another baby. Good to know. By the time I have a kid (wife first, of course), they'll all just leave our baby announcement on read.
I'm joking, of course. Each life is a crazy miracle from God, and they're all seen that way in my family. But the reason I bring up pregnancy is to fact check a common myth about coffee/caffeine and miscarriage.
There is no evidence that a moderate amount of caffeinated coffee—the sweet spot; three cups, 250 milligrams—causes miscarriage. There are some studies that indicate higher miscarriage risk when pregnant people 🫃🏻drink 6-8 cups of coffee a day, but science says that a moderate amount of caffeinated organic coffee is harmless.
Best Organic, Mold-Free Coffee For Health
Speaking of coffee and babies, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my favorite coffee roaster, Seven Weeks Coffee. Not only does Seven Weeks Coffee carry organic coffee and test for mold and mycotoxins, but they're unabashedly pro-life, with 10% of each purchase supporting pregnancy resource centers across the country.
If you love being healthy, coffee, and babies, this is your brand. Use code BUTTERCUP for a discount to this delicious, superior brand. I personally love the organic espresso roast. It's dark and bold, like me in late summer.
I drink three black cups a day. Eight-year-old Vance would be proud.
3 Cups a day, for health
Vance, you are talented and gifted as a writer...equal to your amazing piano playing genius. You almost make me want to try drinking coffee; but at eighty-one it may be a little late for the health benefits. 😍
Love the article! I am always entertained and educated by your writings. You are a delight and breath of fresh air with a hint of coffee. 😁
Great reporting on coffee. I think I will go ahead and brew another cup.
Loved this piece. Thank you for writing it! I am one of the unfortunate people who drank way too much coffee, I loved it. Unfortunately I began having anaphylactic reactions to it in 2011, I’m not sure if it’s the micotoxins from mold, or the protein itself, but I have since become an avid tea drinker; tapping into my British roots.